I haven’t written in a long while on here, not that anyone reads my ramblings, for a while it was because I was progressing so fast – then some rough patches, now because I have no one… I write again.
A lot of things have happened. While I won’t go into details, I won’t ever be in spiritual direction again nor will I ever trust a person of the clergy farther then I can pick them up and throw them. They will never again have any depth of knowledge about me, my past, or my life.
You see – according to one, I am just too hard and I am nothing more than a backslider a problem and not worth anyone’s time or effort.
< snark >Because of course healing is linear and someone should never have to revisit something… or deal with a wave of cPTSD or grief or trauma memories when “its been gone through” “we’ve been here already”. < / Snark>
I was blamed for my husband going to this person -regardless of me asking him not to – it was my fault and every part of every argument with anyone was my fault – even my husband lying to me was my fault because I’m not supposed to react and say anything or be angry. I am realizing just how gaslit I was for 3 years. No one can ever be trusted.
I have no desire to go to Mass, to Adoration, or even to pray. I am dead inside, simply waiting for my body to follow one day. I know I will never see my kids in heaven, its not for me. That has been thoroughly communicated and I am never going to try for anything more than just waiting out whatever time clock I have.